Crucial Conversation (kroo-shuh'l  kon-ver-sey-shuh'n) n. A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.

Chapter 1 – What’s a Crucial Conversation?

1. In the face of a crucial conversation we have three options:
1. We can avoid them.
2. We can face them and handle them poorly
3. We can face them and handle them well.
2. We are physiologically built to fail at crucial conversations. When faced with a crucial conversation:
1. The hairs on the back of our neck stand up
2. Our kidneys start to pump adrenaline
3. Our brain diverts blood from our brain to other mechanisms in our bodies designed more for fight or flight (arms and legs).
3. Practice doesn’t make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect.
4. The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations at all levels. http://bit.ly/q4flmO

Chapter 2 – Mastering Crucial Conversations

1. At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information.
2. Dialogue: The free flow of meaning between two or more people.
3. People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe fore everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool – even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. They don’t agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.
4. When people openly and freely share ideas, the increased time investment is more than offset by the quality of the decision.
5. Not only does a shared pool help individuals make better choices, but since the meaning is shared, people willingly act on whatever decisions they make. Eventually they understand why the shared solution is the best solution, and they’re committed to act.
6. Conversely, when people aren’t involved, when they sit back quietly during touchy conversations, they’re rarely committed to the final decision.
7. The time you spend up front establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more committed action later on.
8. We have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning – and to get others to share their pools.

Chapter 3 – Start with Heart

1. Work on ME first.

2. As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape – with any degree of success – is the person in the mirror.

3. When in a crucial moment, ask yourself the following questions:

a. What do I really want for myself?

b. What do I really want for others?

c. What do I really want for the relationship?

d. HOW would I behave if I really wanted these results?

4. Asking the questions above helps you do three things:

a. Refocus Your Brain, reminding yourself of what’s really important

b. Find You Bearings, by bringing you back to your North Star

c. Take Charge of Your Body, by making you think, increasing blood flow back to the brain.

5. The desire to win continually drives us away from healthy dialogue.

6. The Sucker’s Choice: in order to justify an especially sordid behavior, we suggest that we were caught between two distasteful options.

a. Sucker’s Choices are simplistic tradeoffs that KEEP us from thinking creatively.

7. In our minds we must search out the elusive AND:

a. First, define what you really want

i. “What I want is for our team to be unified and have the same goals.”

b. Second, define what you really DON’T want

i. “What I don’t want is for us to have to fight about it, and cause ill feelings.”

c. Third, present your mind with a more complex problem

i. How can I get our team to be more unified and have the same goals without getting into a fight and causing ill feelings?”

Chapter 4 – Learn To Look

1. Keep your eye out for signals from your body that you are entering a crucial conversation:
1. Physical signs: tight stomach, dry eyes, clenched jaw
2. Emotional signs: scared, hurt, angry
3. Behavioral signs: voice level increase, pointing finger, yelling
2. You must be dual-processing at all times. You must be watching for signals AS you chat.
3. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning – period. Nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. Again, free flow of meaning is disrupted by withdrawal from dialogue, or from forcing ones opinions (SILENCE or VIOLENCE)
4. Trust keeps people from getting scared or threatened in conversation and helps them feel safe.
5. When others start to feel unsafe, the start to do nasty things.
6. When insults start flying it’s a sure sign that someone feels threatened. They’re in attack mode, and you need to bring the conversation back to the safe zone.
7. SILENCE – Silence is manifest in three ways: masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.
1. Masking – Selectively showing true opinions or understating.

i. Sarcasm

ii. Sugarcoating

iii. Couching

2. Avoiding – Involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects
3. Withdrawing – Pulling out of a conversation all together.
7. VIOLENCE – Consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to FORCE meaning into the pool. The three most common ways it’s manifest are: controlling, labeling, attacking.
1. Controlling – coercion, domination, cutting people off, speaking in absolutes
2. Labeling – Putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under general stereotype or category.
3. Attacking – You’ve moved from winning the argument to making the person suffer.
8. PAY MOST ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR

Chapter 5 – Make It Safe

1. Q. Why would someone use sarcasm or take potshots in a conversation?
1. Because they don’t feel safe with dialogue.
2. In dialogue, the BEST don’t play games. They step out of the context of unsafe conversations, make it safe again, and then step back in.
3. Crucial conversations often go awry not because of the content of the conversation, but because others believe that painful and pointed content means that you have malicious intent.
4. The first condition of safety is: Mutual Purpose – means that others perceive that we are working toward a common outcome in the conversation, and that we care about their goals, interests, and values.
5. DEBATE is a good sign safety has been breached. So are: defensiveness, hidden agendas, and accusations.
6. DO OTHERS BELIEVE I CARE ABOUT THEIR GOALS IN THIS CONVERSATION?
   DO THEY TRUST MY MOTIVES?
7. RESPECT is like air. If you take it away, it’s ALL anyone can think about.
8. Mutual Respect is necessary to maintain dialogue.
9. Higher emotions in a dialogue are signs that Mutual Respect may have been lost.
10. Three things to do to bring back Mutual Respect and Mutual Purpose:
1. Apologize
2. Contrast
3. CRIB:

i. Commit to seek Mutual Purpose – Commit to the conversation. “It looks like we both have pretty strong opinions on this matter. I want you to know that I’m committed to stay in this conversation until we find a solution that will work for both of us.

ii. Recognize the purpose behind the strategy – Stop and recognize WHY each party is seeking their desired goal…is there something more behind what they’re saying?

iii. Invent a Mutual Purpose – Sometimes you’ll be at an impass. Stop and try to see things from a different point of view, and see if there is something in the ‘bigger picture’ that you could both agree to.

iv. Brainstorm new strategies – Get creative.

11. Contrasting is NOT apologizing. It is simply a way of making sure what we said didn’t hurt more than it should have.
12. Contrasting provides context and proportion.
13. When people misunderstand you and you start arguing over the misunderstanding, stop. Use contrasting. Explain what you DON’T mean until you’ve restored safety.
14. PREPARE – If you know you’ll be entering a crucial conversation…PREPARE FOR IT.

Chapter 6 – Master My Stories

1. Others don’t make you mad. You make you mad.
2. Once you’ve created your emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them.
3. The worst at dialogue are hostages to their emotions, and they don’t even know it.
4. The best at dialogue do something completely different. They aren’t held hostage by their emotions, nor to they try to hide or suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions. That is, when they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out. As a result, they choose their emotions, and by so doing, make possible to choose behaviors that create better results.

There is an intermediary step between what others do and how we feel. Just after we observe what others do and just BEFORE we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. We add meaning, motive, and judgment. THEN, based on these thoughts and stories, our body responds with emotion.

SEE/HEAR à TELL A STORY à FEEL à ACT

5. Our stories are our interpretations of the facts. They help explain what we see and hear.
6. If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us.
7. How to RETRACE YOUR PATH (interesting that they suggest you do it backwards)
1. Notice your behavior
2. Get in touch with your feelings
3. Analyze your stories
4. Get back to the facts
8. Analyze your stories
1. Question your feelings and stories
2. Don’t confuse stories with facts
3. Separate fact from story by focusing on behavior
4. SPOT the story by watching for hot words. (scowl, sarcastic, raunchy)
9. Clever stories allow us to feel good about behaving badly even while achieving abysmal results.
10. The THREE most common Clever Stories are:
1. Victim Stories: “It’s not my fault.”
2. Villain Stories: “It’s all your fault.”
3. Helpless Stories: “There’s nothing else I can do.”
11. We tell Clever Stories because:
1. They match reality
2. They get us off the hook
3. They keep us from acknowledging our own sellouts
12. When we notice ourselves telling clever stories we need to stop and tell the rest of the story. This means that we should no longer pretend that we had nothing to do with the outcome. In a clever story we usually hide some of our own missteps, but to tell the rest of the story, we need to bring them to the forefront.
1. Turn Victims into actors: Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
2. Turn Villians into humans: Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?
3. Turn the helpless into the able: What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship?
4. WHAT WOULD I DO RIGHT NOW IF I REALLY WANTED THESE RESULTS?

Chapter 7 – STATE My Path – How to speak persuasively, not abrasively.

Never violate respect, and never kill safety with threats and accusations.

The best way to find out the true story is not to act out the worst story you can generate.

Five skills to help you talk about even the most sensitive issues:

1. Share Your Facts:
1. Facts are the least controversial, the most persuasive, and the least insulting.
2. Begin your path with Facts, it earns you the right to tell your story.
2. Tell Your Story:
1. Facts alone are never enough, you must add your story/logical conclusion to the facts.
2. To tell your story you must have confidence. Starting with facts gives you the confidence you need to approach crucial conversations confidently.
3. Always be aware of safety issues. If people start becoming defensive, step out of the conversation and rebuild safety by Contrasting. (I value you’re expertise. I’m not questioning that. My only concern is…)
3. Ask for Others’ Paths:
1. Remember, the goal is not to win, it’s to learn and come to the best decision
2. Encourage others to share their facts, stories, and conclusions.
3. Be willing to abandon or reshape your story.
4. Talk Tentatively:
1. Talking tentatively means that we tell our story as a story rather than disguise it as a fact.
2. “I was wondering why….” “Perhaps you were unaware…” “In my opinion…”
3. “One of the ironies of dialogue is that when we’re sharing controversial ideas with potentially resistant people, the more forceful we are, the less persuasive we are.”
4. Don’t use disclaimers. Stay confident, and just stay humble and open.
5. Encourage Testing:
1. Not only should you invite others to share their opinions, but you MUST make them feel that sharing their stories with you is what you WANT.
2. The only limit to how strongly you can express your opinion is your willingness to be equally vigorous in encouraging others to challenge it.
3. Invite opposing views because you need them to fill the pool of understanding…..and MEAN IT.
4. Show you mean it, by LISTENING.
6. How do we CHANGE?
1. First, watch for when people start to resist or get defensive. “The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior.”
2. Second, tone down your approach. When you watch others shift from healthy dialogue to forcing their way on others, it’s obvious that if they don’t back off, nobody will buy in. That’s when you’re watching others. Alternatively, when we ourselves are pushing hard, it’s the correct thing to do…right? WRONG! Passion can be our enemy. Tone it down.
3. Third, catch yourself. If you notice yourself getting indignant or if you notice that people aren’t coming around to your understanding, recognize that you’re probably really close to entering dangerous territory.

CHAPTER 8 – Explore Others’ Paths – How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up.

1. BE SINCERE. You must invite others to share their paths, and you can only do it if you’re willing to listen.
2. BE CURIOUS.
3. STAY CURIOUS. To avoid overreacting to others’ stories, stay curious. Give your brain a problem to stay focused on. Remember to ask yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this??
4. BE PATIENT. While it’s natural to move quickly from one though to the next, strong emotions take a while to subside, so if safety has been breached, it may take a while for it to be restored. So, be patient when exploring how others think and feel Encourage them to share their path and then wait for their emotions to catch up with the safety that you’ve created.
5. Encourage Others to Retrace Their Path
1. If you’ve noticed someone in violence or silence, they are already at the end of the Path to Action. This means they’re in offense mode. Be careful or you could fall into the trap of becoming defensive.
2. So, instead of getting defensive when someone starts to throw jabs at you, help them retrace their path, backwards. Help them understand what their feeling, then help them understand how they came to their conclusion (story), and finally, figure out what they observed.
6. We must LISTEN in a way that makes it safe for others to share their intimate thoughts. They must believe that when they share their thoughts, they won’t offend others or be punished for speaking frankly.
7. AMPP – This is the acronym to help us LISTEN:
1. ASK: Ask to get things rolling. The best way to find out how the other person feels is to ask them to express themselves.
2. MIRROR: Mirror to Confirm Feelings. You must be able to explain to the person that although they may be saying one thing, they are actually acting differently. “I know you said nothing is wrong, but the very strong voice which you used to tell me ‘nothing is wrong’ makes me think there’s a little more to the story.”

i. MOST IMPORTANT IN MIRRORING is the tone of voice WE use. We must make them feel safe feeling the way they do.

3. PARAPHRASE: Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story. This is simply restating what you understand to be the message you’ve just heard. Don’t simply parrot the story back, use your own words to paraphrase it.

i. MOST IMPORTANT IN PARAPHRASING is the tone of voice WE use.

ii. Don’t push too hard. You must realize that in some situations pushing further may appear that you don’t care about the other person. So, either gracefully exit the conversation OR ask the other person what they would like to see happen from here. This helps their brain think again.

4. PRIME: Prime when you’re getting nowhere. This tactic is to be used when you believe the other person has something they want to share, but haven’t felt safe enough to do so, and will with a little more effort.

i. This power-listening tool comes from the expression “prime the pump.” Sometimes you may have to add more meaning back into the pool in order for the pump to get going again.

ii. Only prime if NOTHING else has worked.

8. But What If They’re Wrong??
1. Remember that you’re trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with it.
2. Remember your ABC’s.

i. Agree with them on points you agree with. “It looks like we agree with the procedure, what we now need to agree on is how/when/timing of it.

ii. Build where there is meaning omitted from the pool. “Absolutely. In addition, I noticed…”

iii. Compare the ways you think and feel with they ways they think and feel.

Chapter 9 – Move to Action – How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results.

1. Dialogue is not decision making.

2. You need to decide how to decide, and WHO will decide early on.

3. The Four Methods of Decision Making – They represent increasing degrees of involvement, and increased involvement brings the benefit of increased commitment along with the curse of decreased decision-making efficiency.

a. Command – We rarely decide what to do, but how to make it work.

b. Consult – Asking others to give their opinion.

c. Vote – Voting is a great time saver, but shouldn’t be used if there’s not support by team members of each decision that could be selected.

d. Consensus – Consensus can produce tremendous unity and high-quality decisions, but should only be used with:

i. High-stakes and complex issues, or

ii. Issues where everyone ABSOLUTELY MUST support the final choice.

4. When choosing who will decide you must take into account the following questions:

a. Who Cares? – Never involve someone that doesn’t care.

b. Who Knows? – Try not to involve non-contributors.

c. Who Must Agree?

d. How Many People is it Worth Involving?

5. Appropriate Use of Command

a. Don’t pass out orders like candy.

b. When you face a command decision, ask which elements are flexible.

c. Explain why!

6. The Dos and Don’ts of Consultation

a. Don’t pretend to consult

b. Announce what you’re doing

c. Report your decision

7. Holding a Good Vote

a. Weigh the consequences.

b. Know when to vote. (matters aren’t too weighty, there are many great choices, people are happy to make a decision fast)

c. Don’t cop out with a vote. “We’re never going to agree so let’s just take a vote.”

8. Consensus

a. Don’t force consensus onto everything.

b. Don’t pretend that everyone gets his or her first choice.

c. No martyrs please.

d. Don’t take turns.

e. Don’t engage in postdecision lobbying.

f. Don’t say, “I told you so.”

9. Making assignments – To put your decisions into actions you must answer the following:

a. Who?

b. Does What?

c. By When?

d. How will you follow up?

10. DOCUMENT YOUR WORK!!!!!

Chapter 10 – Putting It All Together – Tools for preparing and learning.

1. The two most important tools to use starting out are:

a. Learn to Look. Don’t hesitate to say, “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue.”

b. Make it Safe

2. REVIEW

Chapter 11 – Yeah, But – Advice for tough cases.

1. Mostly Review and Case studies

Chapter 12 – Change Your Life – How to turn ideas into habits.